| i think i just had an epiphone.
for the longest time i've had a problem with the singles group i go to: crossroads. it seems to me like there is no personal connection. people walk in and walk out without being reached on an intimate level. i mean, we do great with the members who already attend. we all feel like; i feel like i have ten new brothers and sisters. but even to this day i don't feel like i have one good friend. all my friends there are great, but i don't have a relationship with any of them that allows for, say, crying, or long nights, or serious, deep debates and major differences. if anything comes up that might jeporadize the unity and cohesion of the group or the groups message it gets poo-pooed and shoved under the rug. fine, that's okay. maybe it is a good way to stay civil to each other. but i crave more. i want more of a relationship. i want a deeper, more meaningful connection.
and crossroads can't give that to me......yet.
i've thought, in the past, that it would be great for us break out of the comfort zone. to continually meet outside of the church, outside of the atmosphere of conditioned responses and trite christianese. one of the best ways would be for someone to offer their house for hang out time and meetings and parties and so forth. at this time in my life it can't be me cuz i don't have a house, or apartment or anything. i've thought: "God, it wuld be great if i could have an apartment. please help me get one so that i can use it for You; so that i can house crossroads and we can REALLY grow." and i used to think that He was going to do this for me and for crossroads.
i would continually get frustrated when a housing oppurtunity fell through. i would berate myself for failing yet again. i would be angry and let-down and sad. i wanted this. i thought God wanted it, too. wouldn't this be a great oppurtunity for us, for crossroads, to have a place to meet? i would do it, too. i would call everyone together and we would have a great time. i thought, "maybe He's keeping me from that kind of environment beacause i'm not ready for that kind of independence. or maybe He's not 'keeping' this from me at all, that this is just life." maybe
but then it hits me: maybe He's keeping me from an apartment because He doesn't want us to grow like that just yet. or in that way. or with me. maybe, God is okay with where we are right now as a group. maybe it's part of His plan. maybe we are meant to be so.....whatever. could this be God's plan, could He be keeping us from growing? too fast and too much, maybe? am i overthinking this? maybe.
huh |
